Are you too humble?
Are you too humble?
This week a new public speaking client and I dove right in and got to the heart of things: His confidence.
There is an outside in component to working with self-esteem issues in speaking: practices of slowing down, pausing, speaking dynamically (volume, tone, pacing).
And then of course the inner work: Does he believe he deserves to be heard? Does he believe in his intelligence? Was he once told something (probably in middle school) that affects his manner of speaking?
“Hurry up”: You’re probably gonna rush when you talk.
“You’re so annoying”: You’ll often make yourself small.
“You’re so arrogant!”: You’ll do everything you can to prove that you are not.
Ding ding ding.
This was true for this client, and true of many of my clients who are particularly smart and talented. Middle school kids will take you down. They do not want to see you shine.
And yet.
It’s perfectly safe now for my client to share his wisdom (and seriously, he’s a genius) with confidence. He doesn’t need to perform "humble." Much of his insecurity seems to stem from so many years of acting that way.
I told him: “Your humility isn’t helping anyone.” And it hit home for him. It’s not helping him. It’s not fun to listen to. It’s a waste of time. Mostly, it’s not even real. It’s a mask he’s worn for a long time. And I am here to witness its removal, to see my client become who he really is.
I’m not saying be aggressive and loud and pushy when speaking (ew). But speak clearly. Let us hear you. Express your enthusiasm. Share yourself.
There’s work to do. We’ll play with impromptu speeches and improv and humor and meditation and mindset and all of that “outside in” tools I mentioned earlier. And it's not a simple snap to ask someone to let go of defense mechanisms.
But I’ve planted the seed that he is allowed to be confident and to like himself and to know that he knows his stuff. That’s actually him taking care of his audience.
So please my loves, love yourself. It’s better for everyone.
P.S. I work with all kinds of people. If you’re just finishing a PhD program and you have interviews and conferences coming up, let’s get you in great shape. If you’re an entrepreneur pitching for funding, let’s get you ready to shine. If you work for a company and you know you’d be better in meetings if you didn’t get so damn nervous, this work is for you too. Any kind of communication can be improved with this deep work. And magically, it’s even fun.
A GREAT Podcast
I was on The Sean Trace Show! I loved it. He asked grrreat questions about public speaking coaching and what makes a charismatic communicator (hint: be real).
Let your true passion for what you talk about guide you. It’s important to do external work to add dynamism and clarity to your natural voice, in a way that is true to you…
But then let’s realllly get at who you are and what you care about. Throw in some self love and the authentic you will tumble right out of your mouth. It workssss.
Miriam
Practice Being Perfectly Imperfect
A back-and-forth about being real.
Yesterday on LinkedIn I described the discomfort I felt listening to people give memorized talks. That I want people to sound like they're talking to us-- like they're talking to their friends. Less polish, more you.
A stranger asked: "How do you guide individuals to confidently 'brunch-ify' their delivery while maintaining the core message and impact?"
Great question, stranger!
My reply:
Looove this question. I focus on making people feel both calm and confident, like you do naturally w your friends.
Calm: breathwork, meditation, mantras, silly pre performance exercises to remind you it’s not that big a deal, singing, humming— get your nervous system relaxed (so many techniques so we practice a bunch and see what feels best)
Confident: practice speaking on the fly with random subjects like bananas, practice telling me about what you do and who you are, in various ways, practice speaking dynamically like you do when you’re enthusiastic and passionate, practice the actual thing you’ll be speaking about in a pitch, presentation, panel, toast, roast, story— so you know what you want to say, but you’re saying it differently every time— you’re saying it the way it needs to be said in that very moment with that particular audience.
Keep the core message, but say it in a real way. Trust yourself. It works! And once people have practiced being themselves and sharing themselves, they feel more confident in all aspects of their lives. And have more fun. And people like hearing them speak. It’s charisma school :).
Thank you for asking!
P.S. Pic of me as a kid doing embroidery for the first time. Imperfectly perfect.
Imperfection wins
Last night I went to a storytelling show.
The participants were all pretty good. Rehearsed.
But.
Every single person had memorized a script, to the word.
It made me feel tight!
Figure out the beats. Plan out some jokes. But please tell the story like you would at brunch.
Because I want you, baby! Human you, not robot you. Actual person you. That may feel scary, and that’s actually a good sign. What you’re scared of is someone learning who you are and seeing the real you. And if you show me that… I am in for life.
True of storytelling, true on a date, true in a VC pitch.
Let’s be real.
xoxo