Are you too humble?

This week a new public speaking client and I dove right in and got to the heart of things: His confidence.

There is an outside in component to working with self-esteem issues in speaking: practices of slowing down, pausing, speaking dynamically (volume, tone, pacing).

And then of course the inner work: Does he believe he deserves to be heard? Does he believe in his intelligence? Was he once told something (probably in middle school) that affects his manner of speaking?

“Hurry up”:  You’re probably gonna rush when you talk.

“You’re so annoying”:  You’ll often make yourself small.

“You’re so arrogant!”:  You’ll do everything you can to prove that you are not.

Ding ding ding.

This was true for this client, and true of many of my clients who are particularly smart and talented. Middle school kids will take you down. They do not want to see you shine.

And yet.

It’s perfectly safe now for my client to share his wisdom (and seriously, he’s a genius) with confidence. He doesn’t need to perform "humble." Much of his insecurity seems to stem from so many years of acting that way.

I told him: “Your humility isn’t helping anyone.” And it hit home for him. It’s not helping him. It’s not fun to listen to. It’s a waste of time. Mostly, it’s not even real. It’s a mask he’s worn for a long time. And I am here to witness its removal, to see my client become who he really is.

I’m not saying be aggressive and loud and pushy when speaking (ew). But speak clearly. Let us hear you. Express your enthusiasm. Share yourself.

There’s work to do. We’ll play with impromptu speeches and improv and humor and meditation and mindset and all of that “outside in” tools I mentioned earlier. And it's not a simple snap to ask someone to let go of defense mechanisms.

But I’ve planted the seed that he is allowed to be confident and to like himself and to know that he knows his stuff. That’s actually him taking care of his audience.

So please my loves, love yourself. It’s better for everyone.

P.S. I work with all kinds of people. If you’re just finishing a PhD program and you have interviews and conferences coming up, let’s get you in great shape. If you’re an entrepreneur pitching for funding, let’s get you ready to shine. If you work for a company and you know you’d be better in meetings if you didn’t get so damn nervous, this work is for you too. Any kind of communication can be improved with this deep work. And magically, it’s even fun.